Have you ever tried to order a drink with organic milk at a Starbucks? It’s quite a process. Every time I do it, it freaks out the person behind the counter:

“Wait, you want WHAT? ORGANIC milk? [Cashier turns to barista] Hey, we’ve got an ORGANIC milk coming up! ORRRGAAAANIIIIC MIIIIILLLLK!!!”

Then the search for the organic milk begins, which takes forever because, apparently, they keep the organic milk in a freezer four blocks away, and the entire line has to wait while they verify that indeed, they have organic milk.

Once the employee emerges from the freezer with the sought-after milk, they usually exclaim, “WE HAVE ORGANIC MILK!” and then everyone in line shifts around a little, whispering amongst themselves. Then the organic milk is given its own pitcher, because the regular milk is too good to be seen fraternizing with the organic milk, it TOTALLY didn’t get asked to prom this year, like, what a LOSER.

Recently I was shocked to find out that Starbucks gets its organic milk from Europe. EUROPE. As in, it gets on a plane in a foreign country across the Atlantic, then it travels the several hours it takes to get to the Starbucks distribution center, and then it gets on a truck and is delivered to various Starbucks in Northern California, and then I decide to go to one of these Starbucks and order this milk, FROM EFFING EUROPE. Does anyone else see a problem with this?

Starbucks’ position is that they are known for their consistency, and they can’t find an organic milk producer large enough in America that can ship to all of its locations nationwide, because GOD KNOWS inconsistent organic milk would be a complete travesty. Doesn’t the company know that the demographic to which they are serving this organic milk probably cares more about what’s in the milk than whether this particular latte is exactly like yesterday’s latte?

So last night Ted and I were at a Starbucks, the one inside our local Barnes & Noble. I’d had a long day and just couldn’t handle the “organic milk” fiasco, so I ordered tea. In case you’ve never ordered it, Starbucks tea is served at 812ºF with fifty tea bags, JUST HOW AMERICANS LIKE IT. I asked for a little room at the top so I could come back and add ice cubes after my tea had steeped.

This created two problems: One, the guy behind the counter didn’t know what “steeped” meant, so I had to explain it. And two, he didn’t listen to a damn thing I asked for, because I got my tea a few seconds later, bursting with my allotted fifty tea bags, and with four exceptionally large ice cubes rapidly melting inside.

So, boys and girls, here’s the lesson for today: Starbucks and its questionable organic milk practices are far less than sustainable, and so is serving tea so flaming hot that no one can drink it for at least an hour. I’m not pretending that any of you will stop going to Starbucks. In fact, I’ve got a Starbucks gift card burning a hole in my wallet at the moment, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be using it soon. All I’m saying is, it’s good to know what we’re getting ourselves into. Understand the pain, embrace it, and then enjoy the hell out of that latte.